location: city hall

[assistanting]

[Everyone from your city hall's parks and recreation department has some Really Important Thing to do that isn't being in the office right now, leaving former-intern-now-paid-employee April Ludgate to handle all of your ridiculous complaints, questions, and concerns about the parks system in your city.

Joy.

Maybe no one will actually bother her in this entire block of time.]

Three hours, god, hurry up and go faster.

Comments

[shineonyou]

Huh? [ time to jump to conclusions ]

W-Wait, do you think I'm hitting on you? [ jumping is for infants. jojo leaps to his conclusions like a real man. ] That's totally not what's happening here, dude. Promise.

[assistanting]

[what a beautiful conclusion. a+ nailed it]

Sure, dude.

[shineonyou]

Dude, like-- Okay, sure, you're attractive. Like, I won't cut you there. Nice job with the whole... hair thing. Super great, super shiny.

But you seem a little dangerous. So not my type.

[assistanting]

Oh, yeah, because I work so hard on it. Thank you so much.

[Most sarcastic preppy tone ever. But then, wait -- her tone shifts. She embraces Janet Snakehole.]

Dangerous, you say?

[shineonyou]

[ TAKES A STEP BACK, HANDS RAISING DEFENSIVELY. PALMS UP, HE COMES IN PEACE. ]

Hey, yo. That wasn't an invitation to... get all dangerous-y at me. Back it up, lady. You can dangerous all you want once I figure out where I'm supposed to go.

[assistanting]

I've always been a dangerous woman, sir, you just hadn't seen it yet! But now you've caught me!

[shineonyou]

Shit. What if I told you have I some gum in my pocket? Can I trade you gum for safety?

[assistanting]

[She considers for a moment.]

Yeah, okay.

[shineonyou]

Okay. Sweet. [ He approaches slowly one hand in pocket. ]

No funny business. [ Places a stick of gum very slowly onto her desk. Slowly backs up, palms up. ]

It's that fancy 5 brand-- Cinnamon, sugar. Make sure to brush your teeth tonight, or else you'll end up with cavities. Can't help you if that happens.

[assistanting]

[she takes the gum package and promptly takes out a piece to eat it. today is already looking up.]

So, okay, hi, I'm April. I'm your boss now welcome to parks & rec.

[shineonyou]

What. There's no way you're my boss. Isn't it usually middle-aged bald dudes who run stuff like this?

[assistanting]

Do I look like a middle-aged bald dude?

[shineonyou]

[ shrug ]

Make-up can do miracles, y'know.

[assistanting]

Then I guess you'll never know.

[shineonyou]

Jeez. [ sigh. ]

If you're really my boss, I'm just gonna state this for the record-- The gum was not a bribe. It was a peace offering. I'm a good, law abiding citizen, yeah?

[assistanting]

Of course.

[shineonyou]

Don't try to corrupt me with your sarcasm, ma'am. It ain't gonna work.

[assistanting]

Yeah, let me change myself completely for a new volunteer.

[shineonyou]

[ !!! The iron will of a battle-hardened tyrant...! ]

Man, why do I get the feeling that working for you is going to be the most hardcore experience of my life?

...Whatever. [ Dramatic salute. ]

Volunteer Jonas Brothers officially reporting for duty, boss!

[assistanting]

[she just starts laughing.]

[shineonyou]

[ he understands instantly ]

I was Jonas Brothers before that shitty band ever existed.

[assistanting]

Of course.

[shineonyou]

Just call me JoJo.

[assistanting]

Jojo it is, then.

[shineonyou]

Real glad we got that cleared up. Now, what do you need me to do? Since I'm here to work, after all.