location: city hall

[assistanting]

[Everyone from your city hall's parks and recreation department has some Really Important Thing to do that isn't being in the office right now, leaving former-intern-now-paid-employee April Ludgate to handle all of your ridiculous complaints, questions, and concerns about the parks system in your city.

Joy.

Maybe no one will actually bother her in this entire block of time.]

Three hours, god, hurry up and go faster.

Comments

[quiteliterally]

April Ludgate. [ pointing! ] There you are. Are you taking questions today? How delightful.

[assistanting]

Chris Traeger. [most unenthused point ever] Yeah, totally, what can I help you with, good sir? Is there a pothole in front of your house? Because that'll be fixed never.

[quiteliterally]

Lucky for me, there is no pothole. But I did come here to ask your help on something.

If you're busy, though, I understand completely. Though - you would get to leave the office.

[assistanting]

I don't know, Chris, I'm doing Very Important work here, Leslie said "don't leave under any circumstances, the fate of the Parks Department depends on you April."

[beat]

So, yeah, I guess it's not that important. What do you need?

[quiteliterally]

Leslie Knope does love a good hyperbole. [ a little smile. ] As do I.

But this is Very Important, I promise. [ it's not. ] Will you accompany me to one of our lovely parks? I need your extremely valuable input and fantastically unique point of view.

[assistanting]

You want me to go outside to a park? Gross.

What's in it for me?

[quiteliterally]

It is a beautiful day, April. I believe you suffer from a lack of Vitamin D. [ he pulls a giant capsule from his pocket. ] Would you like some of mine?

--That isn't all that's in it for you. I'll treat you to the most absurdly delicious juice in all of Pawnee. I made it myself, from kelp and walnut pulp as a base. Then it is layered with strawberries, bananas, blackberries, kale and spinach. It's absurd.

[audits]

[Unlike April, Ben is actually making progress on his... Whatever it is. (There are numbers and ledgers, it probably matters, okay.) He chances a look over to her. She's alternately amusing and terrifying.]

You know, I've heard you can make the universe bend to your wishes if you talk to it enough. There was a mutant like that.

[Trouble is, he can never tell which one she's going to choose to be at any given moment.]

[assistanting]

Ann is still alive.

[but that's not the best way to get at ben. she has a better one:]

I don't remember any one like that from the Hugh Jackman movie.

[audits]

[Okay, she's settled on terrifying. That's... Cool. Or something.]

That movie's pretty bad. [He pauses, trying to articulate the proper amount of nerdrage without actually going into a tirade.] That movie's really bad.

[assistanting]

My favorite part was James Marsden.

[actually she hates him but the relative hatred is outbalanced by the need to get under Ben's skin.]

I don't know why he wasn't in the one with James McAvoy.

[fiscal]

Leslie said you were manning the fort.

[ It's your favorite ex-roommate, April. And today he's feeling generous because he's brought you lunch — from the Sweetums expense account. Yes, Andy had really good ideas about cutting the fat but he's not going to forget about on demand oyster bars and fondue carts and. It's really delicious, all right. He doesn't splurge that much, it's okay. And it's for someone else so even more in the clear. ]

But I haven't heard anything on the radio about burning parks, so good going so far.

[assistanting]

[oh wow ben is being nice???]

I didn't hear about the sky falling either.

[in other words, thank you]

[fiscal]

[ He can be nice, sometimes. There is more to Ben Wyatt than nerd trivia, deadpan sarcasm, and an affinity for accounting. (There's also copious booty-shaking but that's just for Leslie.) There's also a nice guy. And he likes April only slightly less than she terrifies him. ]

Eh, I'm pretty sure you wouldn't be held accountable for that. Skies aren't strictly a parks' issue.

[assistanting]

That'd probably have to go straight to the city manager.

[fiscal]

Chris can handle that, no problem.

[ He was able to handle not-low-fat eggnog without losing his mind; falling skies are nothing compared to that. ]

So how's it been, handling the whirlwind activity of the Parks and Recreation Department.

[ There's the sound of crickets in the background. Well, it's either crickets, raccoons, or Jerry spilling something on himself. Even odds. ]

[assistanting]

Oh, you know, totally fun.

[fiscal]

Well, I didn't hear any crying so I couldn't know for sure.

hi bro

[shineonyou]

[ What's worse than a hapless intern? Being a high school volunteer. ]

Hey, uh... I'm new? I mean, new here. I'm working here... as a volunteer. Not really sure where I'm supposed to go.

[assistanting]

You must be really desperate.

[shineonyou]

Huh? [ time to jump to conclusions ]

W-Wait, do you think I'm hitting on you? [ jumping is for infants. jojo leaps to his conclusions like a real man. ] That's totally not what's happening here, dude. Promise.

[assistanting]

[what a beautiful conclusion. a+ nailed it]

Sure, dude.

[shineonyou]

Dude, like-- Okay, sure, you're attractive. Like, I won't cut you there. Nice job with the whole... hair thing. Super great, super shiny.

But you seem a little dangerous. So not my type.

[assistanting]

Oh, yeah, because I work so hard on it. Thank you so much.

[Most sarcastic preppy tone ever. But then, wait -- her tone shifts. She embraces Janet Snakehole.]

Dangerous, you say?

[shineonyou]

[ TAKES A STEP BACK, HANDS RAISING DEFENSIVELY. PALMS UP, HE COMES IN PEACE. ]

Hey, yo. That wasn't an invitation to... get all dangerous-y at me. Back it up, lady. You can dangerous all you want once I figure out where I'm supposed to go.